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Beetroot Salad

Beetroot – fresh, NOT PICKLED. EVER.
Apple. Braeburn.
Pancetta. Smoked bacon pieces. Not lardons, it is a shitty name for a start.
Meatballs. Swedish.
Black Pudding. Yorkshire.
Yellow Bell Pepper. Fresh.
Tomatoes. 2 whole – not tinned.
Carrot. Yorkshire.
Peanuts. Jumbo.

Fry pancetta until very crispy.
Chop up beetroot & apple, add mayonaise, add pancetta.
Chop bell pepper, tomatoes, carrot, add peanuts.
Gently dry-fry the meatballs.
Dry-fry black pudding.

Serve as shown.
Eat!
Rocket science? Not!

Beetroot salad

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Dieter’s Dream

It is not necessary to tell you how much of anything to put in really is it?
Just use as much as what you like as possible and leave out anything you don’t like, replace it with something else, common sense prevails.
Never overcook anything, never burn anything and never undercook pork, chicken, mussels or prawns. Cooking is not rocket science.
Never over salt anything, if you do, bin it, it cannot be recovered, therefore taste your food regularly during cooking. Never taste pork, chicken, mussels or prawn dishes until the meat/fish is cooked unless you want to get food poisoning, collapse and die. This is not a good idea because it causes all sorts of problems, like sorting out funeral arrangements, sending bereavement cards out, inheriting loads of ornaments and crap out that you don’t really want and binning them with sentimental pangs, not to mention all the emotional baggage and financial stuff that goes along with it.

Raw chicken breast cubed
Button mushrooms halved
An onion sliced
White cabbage thinly sliced
Bamboo shoots
Water chestnuts
Chilli chopped fine
Garlic chopped fine
Chinese leaf sliced
Fish Sauce, tablespoon of.
Peanuts, handful.
Cumin, one teaspoon (optional).

Pop the mushrooms into a non stick wok and cook without oil or water for 20 minutes.
Add a teaspoon of olive oil. Add the onions, stirfry for a couple of minutes on high, add the white cabbage, bamboo shoots & water chestnuts, chilli & garlic & peanuts. (+ cumin of desired) Stirfry a couple of minutes, add the chicken and half a cup of boiled water witrh the fish sauce. Cook for 5 minutes, add chinese leaf, cook stir for another 5 minutes.

Extra taste can be added with Marmite or Oxo or Polish All purpose dried chicken stock powder.

Stirfry

Stirfry

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Sunday MishMosh

Sunday MishMosh

400g beef mince
Half a small white cabbage shredded
A whole large leek sliced thinly

A tsp fish sauce
A tbsp ketjap manis
2 tbsp beef mince mix/kruidenmix voor gehakt
Half a chilli chopped finely
A tsp chilli prawn sambal
A shake of garlic powder
No salt. There is enough in the fish sauce and beef mince herb mix thingy.

2 cups of cooked rice (optional but preferable to potatoes, noodles or any other filler)
A handful of roasted peanuts or pine nuts or whatever nuts you want. Except brazil. Or almonds. Or walnuts. Or chestnuts or coconuts. If you actually manage to get a coconut in your mouth, odds on it would get stuck in your throat. They are better served out of the shell anyway.

Render the beef mince until you can get rid of this deadly stuff:

food1

This is beef fat and it better out of your system than in. Once you have got shut of the fat, add a teaspoon of some nice tasting oil, hemp oil or walnut oil is spot on.

Add half a cup of warm water along with all the sauces & seasoning.

food3

When stirred through, add the cabbage & leek, mix and cover until cabbge is half cooked.
Add the rice and peanuts and stir in gently until everything is nicely heated.
Add more sambal with a Jip en Janneke spoon (tastes so much better with a Jip en Janneke spoon).

And here you are: Sunday Mishmosh with 2 of your 5. As with all stirfy meals you can also add other vegetables such as yams, mooli, cucumber, carrots, water chestnuts, bamboo shoots.

food2

The world is your lobster.
Cooking is dead easy.
Even bloody cats can cook.

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Tin Heaven

This is an easy recipe…………er well not strictly a recipe as such.
It’s 2 tins of stuff, a few things with a shell, a pungent round thing and some rabbit food.
Chop the pungent round thing into half a few times.
Chop the stuff in the tin labelled Spam, into small cubes.
Fry in a non stick wok for 5 minutes.
No oil, the Spam stuff is enough. No salt, Spam is enough.
Open the bigger tins with pictures of beans on.
Chuck into wok with Spam & onions.
Crack 4 eggs into frying pan & cook sunny side up.
Chop the rabbit food or parsley or whatever you fancy, add to wok.
Stir it all around a bit until hot.
Serve on a plate. Slide the eggs out of the pan, make sure they’re not snotty.

Have you noticed that You’ve Been Framed and Lachen om Home Videos are shown at teatime/dinnertime?
Have you also noticed that the producers seem to think home videos from sad unimaginative parents whose prime motivation is £250, showing snotty nosed kids with 2 inch candles dangling from their dirty little snouts, puke & projectile vomiting, is a good idea to broadcast whilst Europe is eating?

Luckily we haven’t got kids, nobody to pull my tail, stick things in me and get me in trouble for slashing their little white faces in self defence.

Mandarijn (which means mandarin in Dutch by the way)

spam2

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Dischi volanti con guanciale di maiale

Dischi volanti con guanciale di maiale.
The literal translation is flying saucers with pork cheek, which is dead handy for Brits & Yanks seeing as most English speakers can’t even pronounce oui or non properly without sounding like they’ve got a gob full of feathers.
Okay, we’ve used raw pork cheek and not the cooked cheek (guanciale) which is salty and is used in carbonara.
Pork cheek is great to cook with but it’s becoming more popular so the supermarkets, as is their abject greed, will put the prices up. Guaranteed.
Think about haloumi if you don’t believe me. It doubled in price when it was revealed Britain came only 2nd to Cyprus in haloumi consumption.
These supermarkets, Tesco, ASDA, Morrison, Waitrose (in particular), Sainsbury’s and the Co-op really know what they are doing i.e. ripping their customers off.
Moral: Don’t bloody tell anyone if somethings nice. Tell ’em it’s crap. I mean, this meal, it’s really crap. Crappest meal ever. Just a bag of shit.
Ingredients
4 x pork cheeks diced, fried in oil or butter, seasoned with pepper.
Bag of dischi volanti pasta
Half a tin of sweetcorn (the corn from maize for God’s sake….!)
Handful of frozen garden peas. (tiny green round things)
Seasoning & spices: whole chilli sliced, whole garlic sliced, huge sprig of parsley, 1 oxo cube, teaspoon of ketjap manis, a tiny pinch of mace and some other bits and bobs. Just chuck owt in. Pasata is always good to add to any pasta except Myrtle’s not o’er keen on it.
Never ever, ever, ever, ever use tomato ketchup. It’s got vinegar in.
Vinegar is ace at preserving things, such as undersized onions and gherkins.
Vinegar is also ace at killing things, such as taste and palate. That’s why it’s so popular with chips, it disguises the fatty taste.
Eat with salad or some other greens. Not rocket science.

dischivolanti

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Stockcar Special

A dead easy meal to cook after a hard day doing sod all.
3 pieces of pork tenderloin fried in croma butter, salt & pepper, slightly singed for colour effect.
5 medium potatoes sliced pommes anna, wanged in a Tefal Actifry for 35 minutes with a tablespoon of hemp oil and a couple of shakes of fish sauce.
2 dozen fresh sprouts straight off the stalk, simmered for 15 minutes, then buttered, lightly salted and sprinkled with nutmeg.
5 teaspoons of gravy mix, add some garlic powder, pepper or chicken stock powder ‘cos all gravy mixes taste crap.

spruitjes

I had to bloody wait for my crappy Felix Salmon.
Knobsack went off to the stockcars and we didn’t eat until gone 7pm. This morning’s Felix beef was shite but if I bug Astrid enough she reinforces it with some titbits. I don’t exactly know what they are but anything is better than Felix beef. I think they are Felix Goodybag Seaside Mix or were they Country Mix?
Every time I have beef he says “by ‘eck, that stinks” and he’s right. It stinks just like when that bloke from Yorkshire Water had that drain cover up ‘cos their bog wouldn’t flush properly. And that smelled suspiciously like shit to me. He said “I’ll shut the door incase the cat goes down the drain” eh?? What a knob. Who the hell wants to go down a hole full of shit?

Anyway, enjoy yer dinner.

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Lazy Git Recipe 2: Bangers

This is the second in the Lazy Git series.

Basmati boil in the bag rice, boiled for 16 minutes
Whole chinese leaf chopped fine served raw (from Tesco)
12 Lidl Dulano less fat mini Nürnwurst
Add any sambal, ketjap or soy sauce to the rice.
Add a *blob of Lidl mayonaise

*technical term you needn’t worry yourselves about.

I’ve had saithe & salmon from Felix.
I had no idea what saithe was until I looked it up on Google.
It’s pollock.
I presume the political correctness tossers think it sounds too close to BOLLOCK & are doing our thinking for us eh?
That’s nice

cabbij
wurst
dindins
sambalz