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Purple Sprouts & Gaint Cous Cous

Ingredients
Purple sprouts, simmered in boiled water for 7 minutes only.
Giant Cous Cous, washed, simmered for guess what….7 minutes.
Grainy braising steak, fried in butter both sides for 5 minutes, braised for an hour at least in water with 2 goulash cubes, salt and coarse black pepper.

Use the braising steak stock as the jus (stupid French word for gravy).

Eat. couscous

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Haggis Cabbage

A haggis
A whole celtic cabbage (Savoy for you poncy gits)
A huge carrot
A leek
Sorted.

1. Catch the haggis
2. Chop it’s head, legs and tail off.
3. Microwave @ 750 for 6 minutes, it must be covered to stop explosions. Break open and rough it up then cook it for a further 5 minutes on 750.
Or simmer it for 25 minutes then let it stand 5 minutes.
4. Slice the leek, carrot and shred the cabbage. Chuck into a pan with a teaspoon of olive oil, add a cup of boiling water, season, not too much salt, add a stock cube.
5. Add the haggis.
Gravy is optional but the juices from the vegetables and the flavours from the haggis are well enough.

It smelled brilliant. Of course us cats have 84 times better olfactory senses than wot you humans have.

The haggis. Dirty little animals.

The haggis. Dirty little animals.

Haggis, celtic cabbage, carrot & leek.

Haggis, celtic cabbage, carrot & leek.

Close up of the internal workings of a haggis.

Close up of the internal workings of a haggis.

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Samphire Salmon

Nowt to shout home about.
Samphire is dune grass, well, sort of. It grows in salty estuaries in sand. Don’t bother looking for it near the Humber or Thames, the banks are too dirty. The easiest way is to buy it but at £1.50 for 100g it is a bit of a luxury. It’s just salty grass basically. You cook it by either simmering it for a few minutes, gently frying in unsalted butter or olive oil or added to a sauce. Beware though, it is salty so absolutely no salt is required in any sauce or oil. We used cumin & coriander oil.
He cooked two variations, wholemeal pasta & egg with skinny salmon and samphire for him and a carrot & swede mash, skinny salmon and samphire for her.
Salmon – cook on medium in lightly peppered oil equally on all four sides if possible.
Add some taste to the salmon, but not as much as he did, he smothered it in sambal extra heet (extra hot chillie paste) and probably didn’t taste much of the meal. It’s a new take on the chav like trait of caking tomato sauce all over everything from fish and chips, to burgers to meatballs then moaning that “Inglish foods crap, ivvery fink tastes de same”.

See, cats can cook!

Samphire

Samphire

Two skinny looking salmon fillets.

Two skinny looking salmon fillets.

Wholemeal pasta, salmon & samphire

Wholemeal pasta, salmon & samphire

Carrot & swede mash, salmon fillet & samphire

Carrot & swede mash, salmon fillet & samphire

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Erwtensoep & Astrid’s Sausage Stew

Erwtensoep or Peas Soup: well they cheated and brought if from Dirk van den Broek supermarkt in Deventer, Holland.

Erwtensoep

Erwtensoep

Astrid’s Sausage Stew
It’s not a stew really, just gently fry the sausages, chop, cut, slice, cube all the vegetables, stirfry them a minute in a spot of olive oil, then cover with boiling water, stir around a bit, add the sausage. Done.

2 Pikok Polish sausages from Lidl.
2 leeks
Some pancetta (chopped bacon)
1 kohirabi (It’s a round white thing with green leaves, looks like a swede but tastes like mild mooli.)
A chillie
salt
pepper

optional – garlic

Astrid's Sausage Stew

Astrid’s Sausage Stew